Sorry I didn't post yesterday. Jason and I went swimming at the gym last night and I fell asleep at 8:30 and woke up at 10 in enough time to shower, fix lunches, and fall back in bed. This is what I was going to post:
Wednesday Garrett had a music class performance of Seussical The Musical, Junior at school. Jason couldn't go because he was going to come home from work early so I could go to yoga (disaster-a different story for a different day). And, of course, the performance was at the very work-friendly time of 8:55. Garrett was Narrator 2, which ended up being a bigger deal than I was expecting-he had the most speaking parts of anyone (including Narrator 1). There were 6 total Narrators and apparently they were supposed to be dressed in black. Garrett wore a white collared shirt with his tie. When I asked him Tuesday night if he needed to wear anything special, he said no, he wanted to wear his suit so he could be fancy. We talked him down to just the tie, unaware that he wanted to wear his suit because it was dark (he think it's black, but it's really navy-he inherited that color blind thing from Jason-can't tell black from navy). Strike number one.
I was putting our dinner in the crock pot before I left for the school and couldn't find an ingredient in our pantry and it put me a few minutes behind. Then traffic was a tad heavier than I was anticipating. All that added up to me walking in the door of the auditorium right at 8:55. By the time I got there the only seats that were left were in the back 2 rows (out of 5 rows-this was only Garrett's class). The seats on the first two rows are reserved for people who pay for a Gold membership to the PTA. Which, of course, we did not pay for. So all the people who sit on the front rows look down their noses at the rest of us back in steerage. It's ridiculous. But strike two because I was pegged as a cheap latecomer by my seat in the fourth row.
Harper has put a ridiculous amount of videos on my phone. And pictures. I spent the few minutes before the performance deleting as much as I could to make room because I knew I was low on space. And I had promised Jason I would record some of it for him. But wouldn't you know that I ran out of memory 3 seconds into the big closing number (which was really all the songs they had sung strung together, so I could have just recorded that and been fine). And because I was in video mode, I couldn't switch back to camera mode to try and take a picture when they posed the kids at the end for a group shot. Only mom who didn't stand up to get the shot. Strike number three.
Elementary school is starting to exhaust me. I feel like everything is set up for families where one parent stays home. But the vast majority of families have two working parents. So riddle me that. Plus, even if I stayed home, I don't want to spend my time up at the school. I don't want to volunteer or be room mom or plan the Fun Run. But it's weird being put in the position to feel guilty because I don't want to do these "voluntary" things.
I love my children. More than almost anything else in this world. But they are not my whole world. Raising them is likely the most important thing I will do on this Earth. But I'm pretty sure being a Gold PTA member or room mom isn't going to be on the list of things God praises me for when I get to heaven. One of the things that makes me a better mom is having a life and interests outside of my children. Raising kids is boring, tedious work. I need a break. That's why I work, funnily enough. Plus my work is very fulfilling and meaningful to me. And I feel it teaches my kids some important things, one of which is that they aren't the center of the universe, mine or anyone else's.
I know that not all women feel this way. There are lots of women who find no greater joy than being able to stay home to raise their children. I am impressed by them and applaud their choice. It just isn't my choice. And we are all free to make that choice for ourselves and our family.
I was thinking about how I felt so defeated watching this stupid musical performance. Three strikes against me. One of "those" moms, who doesn't quite have it all together because she works. So I thought, ok, quit your job. Stay home and become one of the other "those" moms. But I don't want to. I don't want to be a gold PTA member on the front row with four cameras charged up and ready to go for a 15 minutes music class performance of their second grader. So this is another thing I'm letting go. My children are healthy, both physically and emotionally. My son couldn't have cared less that he wasn't wearing black-he thought he looked awesome in his tie. And he hasn't asked me to see a picture (and neither has his father). And I could see him just fine from the fourth row because there were about 30 of us in the room.
So PTA mom, feel free to look down on me from the front row. Judge me for arriving just in the nick of time with just my phone as a camera. I don't care. All I can see is the grin on my son's face when he spots me on the fourth row.
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