Yesterday I mentioned I had just finished a book, so I thought I'd tell you a bit about it. It's called Baby Proof by Emily Giffen. She's one of the authors who fits in the "chick lit" category in the library, but I think men could enjoy her books-it's just her main characters are always women.
In this particular book she explores the idea of a childless marriage. Her main character is a woman who from the teen years knew that she didn't want kids. In her twenties she accepted that this decision may mean that she would not get married. But then she meets Ben. And, lo and behold, on their first date, he shares that he too, does not want children. They get married and live a fabulous Manhattan life. And then two years into their marriage, their couple friends (who they travel with) announce they're pregnant. And then Ben decides that maybe he does want children after all. They divorce.
I don't really want to give the whole book away and the part I just described happens in the first third of the book, so there's a lot more to the story. But it's the part that has stuck with me. She did not want to stop being married to Ben. But she did not want to have children. And in this situation, there is no compromise. You can't have half a kid. What would you do?
I went to graduate school with a woman who had decided that she and her husband would not be having children. I don't think there were any medical issues that would preclude them from having children, they had just decided it wasn't for them. I can remember being in such awe of her. I think so many people have kids because it's the next thing; it's what you're supposed to do. Or because they do the thing that results in children and they end up with a few. I found it so refreshing to find someone who didn't feel the need to cave into the societal, and I guess in some ways, biological pressure to procreate. Now I have no idea if they stuck to that, but it's just as much their right to change their mind about it anyway.
Obviously, I did not want a childless marriage. But I have experienced the pressure to procreate because it took Jason and I 5 years of marriage before we had Garrett. Most people didn't know that for almost 3 of those 5 years we were trying (and failing). It was very frustrating to have people ask when it was going to happen, why we weren't having kids yet, and if we knew what we needed to do to make it happen (true story). One of my biggest pet peeves that came from this experience (there are MANY) was the implication that Jason and I somehow weren't a family until we had kids. As far as I'm concerned we became a family on June 12, 1999. Garrett and Harper were just additions to that family. Very welcome additions.
I have also experienced the weird "there's no compromise in this situation" aspect of the book. In our premarital counseling it surfaced that Jason wanted 4 kids and I wanted 3. The counselor felt we could probably work that one out in time. Then we had trouble getting pregnant. After we had Garrett, we knew we weren't done with one, but were not positive we would be able to have a biological child again. So we went into "trying" to have another one with a plan that very quickly ramped up to adoption if the biological route was unsuccessful. Because of God's overwhelming kindness and faithfulness to us, we were successful right out of the gate. Hello Harper. While pregnant with her I didn't have a sense that we would be done after her birth, but I also didn't have a sense that we weren't done either, if that makes sense. I think because I didn't think I was going to get to have even one, having two was a huge gift. When she was a little older than one (around the same time I started feeling like our family wasn't complete when we just had Garrett), I started feeling like I was done. I didn't have that same "someone is missing in our family" feeling I had before we started trying for #2. I didn't trust it, of course, because I had just come through the torture that is the first year of a baby's life. But it was there. I can't remember if Jason and I even discussed it at this time. We had just moved into our new house and I had just started my new job at church that was more hours than I had ever worked since we'd had kids. And then right after Harper turned 2, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. So even if #3 had been on the books, it couldn't have happened. And by the time the endocrinologist cleared me, I was really feeling done. But, I also knew it wasn't just my decision to make. I can remember having the conversation with Jason that I felt really content as a family of four, but if he didn't, he needed to let me know. Now it's become a bit of a joke for us, every time someone we know announces they are pregnant, I ask him if he feels jealous or relieved. I think we had our last conversation about this when Sally announced her pregnancy with her fourth. I jokingly asked him how he was feeling based on their announcement, but this time he took his time answering. And he said, "It's really a lot of work. And it's really a lot of work for you. I'm good."
This was big for me because I had always had the sense that he wanted more, but was waiting for my cue. It was nice to feel like we were on the same page with this. Because I really don't know how I would have responded if he had ever said that he was ready for #3. There is no compromise there. One of us would have had to sacrifice our wishes. Which is not a bad thing, but it sure makes life easier when everyone wins!
Anyway, I've really digressed from my book review. It's a good book and not nearly as depressing as it sounds. Always interesting to put yourself in someone else's shoes and walk around a bit. Especially when their shoes live in New York City and don't have kids!
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